As a kid, I watched all the shows about Unexplained Mysteries. I was, and am, a big believer in the “What if?” I like to read about strange and unbelievable events, and I’m one of those people that tuned into the Geraldo Rivero TV show where they opened a mummies tomb- way back in the late nineties. I remember being very disappointed that they didn’t find anything, just a bunch of dust- and that he didn’t fell over dead of a hidden airborne disease or an Indiana Jones style trap. (Sorry Geraldo, but you have to admit that would have made for some good TV). But it did highlight the fact that sometimes, there is no mystery, no hidden secret- just the question and the answer.
As an adult, I still love a good question. Most things can be explained by science, which is empowering- that we actually have answers. An example: my friend and I used to go out for Chinese food in Toronto. This small hole in the wall restaurant offered tea in small plastic cups- which mysteriously, and of their own accord- moved around the table. We started to visit it regularly just to see what our cups would do. Were there spirits present? No- we concluded all on our own that the ancient Formica and the plastic cup- coupled with heat gave them some sort of slippy glide. We were pretty sure the floor wasn’t level, or anything in the place- so the cups floated freely on their warm cushion of air and condensation. That, or it was just ghosts and we ignored them completely, poor things.
But there are still a few questions I cannot explain away. Perhaps they can be explained by science, or maybe you can clue me in. Here are a few mysteries happening in my life…
#1: Why can I not fold a fitted sheet? I mean, really, I can’t do it. I’ve tried. I asked my Mom countless times to show me how she gets them flat. My sheet always ends up looking like the picture above. Which is why if you open my linen closet, you will see wads of various things stuffed in willy- nilly. I’ve given up hope and also all shame. It has gone right into the screw it category, which sort of solves the mystery.
#2: Why, at a certain age, do people forget to use turn signals when driving? I mean, we all took the test, we all know the rules of the road. We all know the etiquette and basic safety. Yet, it seems that some older drivers (insert ageism number of choice here) think that by driving for countless years, we are all now able to read their minds- their very wishes transparent to us. Does the blinker-using part of the brain just turn off one day? Blink? Gone? Or is it replaced by something akin to my refusal to keep trying to fold the sheet? Has it gone into the screw it category as well? It is a great mystery to me. Will this become clear with age?
#3 Why, as my son has rounded the corner into teen-dom, must he use a question to answer all my questions? What? What? He says. And then I repeat myself, and he says What? It’s like we now own a giant goat, helplessly bleating from the basement. What? What? What?
Someone. Please answer this.
#4: Why do we wax nostalgic when we see objects from our past, when we know life wasn’t really any better back then, just different? We get all bent out of shape pining for things long gone, and choose localized amnesia about our lives at that time. An example: we perhaps see a picture of those red plastic marbleized cups that they used to have in family restaurants. You might think, I remember those! Those were the days! When things were simple! Everything was easier back then! But if you have a good long objective birds-eye view, you remember your dad using one as an ashtray because he couldn’t find one and ignored the no smoking sign in the family restaurant, which was highly embarrassing. And about the time you got left behind from the birthday party in the family restaurant because you were playing the fortune teller game over and over, alone in the back, hoping it would explain the great mysteries of life.
#5: How, if we can use the power of our minds to heal ourselves, make ourselves sick, delude ourselves in both positive and negative ways, have we not figured out how to use them for really useful things, like telekinesis- which would be super useful for picking up socks, which you know is the bane of my existence? Or echolocation, so we won’t break our toe on the bedside table in the night? Or even telepathy, so we wouldn’t have to pay so much in phone bills? These are mysteries worth explaining. Why can’t we do it? All I can do is give myself hypochondria. So not useful.
#6: Why is an A&W a store, and not a restaurant? I just passed our local one, and it said, store closed for remodeling. And I thought, wait? It’s a store? And all this time I thought it was a restaurant? So, I can go in and see if they carry a burger in a color other than beige? I guess this one isn’t a mystery, is it. It’s just a question. A question WITH NO ANSWER.
Ok, ok, I’m getting carried away now. But I was heartened to see a story recently about a guy who caught the likeness of Ogopogo on his iPhone. Or something like it. Maybe it was a rogue wave. But it really did look like a serpent head of some kind. Did any of you catch that one? Now there’s a mystery. You can still see something there, just on the periphery of the slowed down shot, even if you haven’t been drinking. Perhaps Geraldo will come out of retirement, just this last time, to take us out on a speedboat and find out the truth.