As a child, I thought almost anything was a sign from God. A butterfly, a bird, an object found on the ground, these things were trying to tell me something, and it was my job to discover what that was.
“Look! A clue!” I’d exclaim, remarking on a half hidden object poking out of the dirt.
Now I realize that this also goes with writer territory, and that everything in fact, does have meaning, somewhere.
Today I stopped mid-stride, skidding to a halt. I ran over a clue. Running is not something I do lightly. (I mean that literally) I pound the ground with awkward strides, arms floating akimbo like a Halloween skeleton. I was running from the usual things, you know, unresolved emotional debris that floats up to bite you in the ass at three a.m. Naturally, I feel let down upon returning home. I am winded, but The Bother, whatever it is, is still there.
So instead I am going to focus on my clue, and see what it brings me.
What are all the things that F brought me today? Here are just a few.
Freeway I use it more frequently and as a result, see more accidents. Today’s accident involved an old lady and a truck. She was rear ended so I can only assume what happened there. But I thought, instead of being one of the jerks that drives around them, should I call somebody? What is the number for non-emergency, anyway? Is she frightened? I decide I don’t know what number to call, but plan to find out, and that is that. In lieu of actually doing something, I join the ranks of those who don’t. Sigh.
F*@k There is nary a word that can come in so handy, used in so many ways, applicable on so many levels. But because of this word’s many nuances, I try not to say it in front of my kids. To date, I think it has slipped out only a few times. Once in traffic, and once in anger, at them. For me, this is a huge accomplishment. I did use it while on my run, thinking, I am running in the woods, and it is the time of year bears roam around in the woods, and what is that noise behind me? Oh “F*@k!” This F word often goes hand in hand with another…
Frightened It is interesting what frightens us as adults. Yes, things like bears in the woods, ( it was a dog I swore at) but more often it is the Great Unknown. This is why the midlife crisis is handy for many, because you have something to blame all your weirdness on. I am acting this way because I am scared of this stagnant pool of my own making! I am scared of leaving this pool! I am scared to change/notchange! I am scared that finding a random letter F on the pavement might be a sign of something, because I am either feeling superstitious or just losing my mind! F*@k!
Funny Injecting levity into one’s day seems to be the only thing that can alleviate a self-induced funk.
Funk! There is another one! This one describes my basement at the moment, as one of the kittens has diarrhea. I cannot begin to describe this smell. But if I did, it would involve pungent sour grapes, mixed with crap, riding fumes of wood chip kitty-litter, glossed over by a cheap air freshener that was called Outdoor Fresh. Outdoor in a barn, maybe.
I think I should stop. In all honesty, I don’t know what the letter F has brought me today. I hope I am not to old to decipher the clues. It could be I am supposed to step outside my head for a brief moment, and focus on something other than myself. It could be I was meant to just see that little things are there, for some reason, and perhaps no reason at all.
Finish