Sorry it’s been awhile, I’ve been doing laundry.
Lots of Laundry.
Just for the record, whoever is helpfully passing along their lice, you owe me $37.58 in laundry detergent.
I don’t mind bugs, as long as they aren’t on me. Thankfully only my youngest has succumbed to the scourge this time. Ahem. This time. I was hoping it would never happen again, as washing every stuffy, blanket, hat, bag and clothing item that your family owns is not high on my list of “favorite things to do.” I was even letting the kid’s hair grease out, discouraging the buggers from entering our house (and hair) again. This resulted in the youngest getting a case of dandruff, less evil but still annoying. I was tackling this new scalp situation when I stumbled upon a MOVING dandruff flake.
“Ooooohh NNNoooooo” I mumbled under my breath, using all of my inner strength not to seethe an inappropriate string of swears. (think George Carlin).
A friend of mine sent me an email that read “Mid-lice crisis!” Her girls had picked it up somewhere, and now she was remorseful about their beautiful, thick curls. I confessed we had recently suffered the nits, too. While at her house she showed me a printout from a website, about what eggs look like.
The eggs can be no bigger than the head of a pin.
“Where is it? There?” I asked, pointing, incredulous that it be so small.
So now I am like Horton, in Horton Hears a Who. Only Horton was a peaceful elephant, tirelessly searching the fields of clover for his missing friends.
I am less peaceful in my search, and channel my inner Conan. I put on a tight headband, and give them the speech about destroying their village and “hearing the lamentations of their women.” And then I turn the vacuum on high and become a whirling dervish of cleaning mania, yelling, “I am going to kill every last one of you God@$%* &%$#@!S” as my arms blur into a sweeping, bleaching, scrubbing killing-machine. I pant and sweat and scrub the absolute crap out of my house.
So.
My house is clean now, my kids are free of nits, and It’s time for you to confess.
“Bless me friend, for I have sinned, I have brought lice into your house without telling you…”
You will have absolution, but you owe me at least three beers.