Happy Mothers Day!!
If you’ve never read If You Give a Moose a Muffin, don’t. It’s okay. You don’t have to. Or any of the others that follow in the series.
If you give a Mom a muffin, chances are, she’ll want a coffee to go with it.
And if you give a Mom a coffee, she will think about her muffin top, and get the coffee to go. The mom will try to walk off her muffin, eating the other muffin and drinking her coffee, recalling she has forgotten to buy food for her family. The mom will walk to the store…the list is at home. The Mom will run home, retrieve her list, leave her coffee mug on the counter and run back to the store. Back at home, the Mom will pre-cook some tacos, patting herself on her back for her brilliance. The mom will leave the food on the stove to cool, unpacking the rest of the groceries, letting an errant yogurt tumble down the stairs. While the mom is cleaning up the yogurt, she will spy a hole in the wall that she was going to spackle last week. Retrieving her bucket of poly-fill, the Mom hears the doorbell ring and puts the bucket down. Running up the stairs, the mom will stub her recently broken toe. Weeping, the mom will answer the door to the mailman, promptly wiping off her face. Accepting the package, the mom acknowledges the mailman recoiling in horror. If the mom reads the look on the mailman’s face correctly, chances are, she’s got some repair work to do. The mom winces to the bathroom, sees Alice Cooper in the mirror, and decides to take a shower. Turning on the hot water, the mom peels off her clothes only to hear the phone ring. The mom runs to the phone forgetting her nakedness. Streaking past the open picture window, the mom realizes her error, freezing momentarily, spying the mailman across the street about to turn. The mom runs back to the shower to wash off the dribbling mascara, leaving the phone. The mom does her best to scrub up, but spies a silverfish in the corner of the tub. And if the mom sees another silverfish in the tub, chances are, she’s going to scream some obscenities. towelling herself off, the mom remembers she is angry because she didn’t actually drink the coffee. Dressing, she hurries to the microwave to heat up the mug. She spies the cooling beef tacos on the stove but only thinks about putting the pan in the fridge. The mom drinks the coffee forgetting all about the muffin or whether or not she actually ate it. The mom then answers fifty-seven emails while texting her husband and scrubbing the counter. While scrubbing her counter, the mom will spy a wasp at the window, and think its time to hang those fake wasp nests!
The mom will go to the garage and search for the nests, getting out the ladder to hang them. A neighbor will walk around to the back of the house, scaring the bejesus out of the mom, to let her know the trunk of the car is open. Again. The mom thanks the neighbor, but chances are…she swears when the neighbor is out of earshot. The mom suddenly remembers the phone and checks it…there is a message. The mom’s heart sinks to see it is the school, chances are, he’s hurt himself badly. The mom calls to discover her kid is sitting in the sick bay waiting for her. The mom runs to the car to retrieve her kid, forgetting all else. The mom learns that her kid is nauseous because he spun himself around 500 times on the playground equipment. The mom cancels her one and only important meeting for the MONTH, fuming at the green child. They drive back home and she tells him no, he may not play computer games. The mom gets a call from her friend, would she like the other child to come home with her today? The mom cringes at the momentary loss of memory about having another child while saying, yes, that would be great, thanksomuch. Then she puts away the ladder and the spackle and puts on another load of laundry, five loads already done in-between all the other shit. The mom decides to deal with wasps and holes another day and plays lego on the floor with her boy, laying as still as possible. At least I cooked dinner, the moms sighs, but then…did she put it away? Jumping up the mom runs to the stove to discover she has not put it away and the time has stretched into hours and beef in the heat is dicey and does the mom want to see this beef later all over the stuffies in a giant barforama at three a.m. from food poisoning and the mom cries arrrggggggggggfghhhhhhhhhh and chucks the beef into the garborator as the husband walks in and the other kid comes home and starts a fight and there is scattered lego everywhere and the husband says are you alright and the mom morphs into a giant three-headed hydra that is seven feet tall who says
I AM LOSSSSIIIIINGGGG MY MIIIINNNDDDD! At which point everyone laughs and then the mom laughs and thinks, I need to focus. Then the mom sees the muffin on the floor that the cat has dragged under the counter and half eaten and thinks, oh, chances are, that’s where my fucking muffin went.