Oh, glorious Sky Mall Magazine! Sweet abandoner of airplane boredom. Take me into thine fold of trashy junk I cannot live without. Thank you for always being there, Sky Mall. Just when I thought I would die of asphyxiation, my knees jammed against the seat in front of me, I see you peeking out from behind the barf bag. I lean forward and incorrectly time your removal, this being the exact moment the person in front of me hits the “accelerate backward” button, smashing me in the head. But no matter, I have Sky Mall. Sure you are a bit sticky, but if I just hold the very edges, its okay.
I don’t even try to hide the fact that I’m looking at you, Sky Mall, flipping the pages with wild abandon. I am learning about all the things I cannot live without! Like the Egyptian-esque Lady with a lampshade for a head. Who couldn’t use that in their living room, for a little piece of lively conversation! Or the “Peeing Boy of Brussels” statue and fountain. Two for one! As I have never seen a Sky Mall without it, this must be a very popular item, and I am beginning to think because I don’t have one, my backyard is not yet complete. I will put it next to the Easter Island face planter and the “skeleton gnomes” that I am also ordering. I will line these gnomes up under the “face you stick onto a tree”. In fact, if I order several of these faces, I can turn the whole backyard into a lively little village! And look, a life-size Yeti! No wait, more than one. The bashful one peeks out from behind a tree, the other looks back with his trademark, “whhaaaa?!” It even says curbside delivery underneath, which can only mean they will deliver to your curb and not up to the actual house, I’m not sure why. Now my backyard will totally freak out potential robbers. They will also be deterred by my fake rock key hold, which comes with one super fake rock that the burglars will try out, only to discover it isn’t the REAL fake rock, which is way more realistic looking! That really is brilliant. I was having a hard time coming up with a place to stash my key.
I also love you Sky Mall, for your ultimate concern for my health. Who else has a product for skin tag removal, bunions, and plantar fasciitis all in one? Back braces and hot and cold wraps for every part of my physique, hand reflexology massagers, voice clarifying amplifiers. Not to mention the sonic facial cleansers,circulation improving leg wraps, shapewear, teeth whitening systems and scar concealer. I need all of these! How did you know!
If I still had pets, I would be buying so much more. Cat litter box containers that look like towel racks, indoor dog pads that they can actually just whiz on, like a giant dish rack for pee. Brilliant! I am sad about one thing though. Where did all the Lord of the Rings items go? I never had a chance to order the “one” ring! Or a wizard staff, or the Gollum replica that I could put under the tree with the gnomes! It was a bit of a disappointment, Sky Mall. You might want to consider bringing back the Gollum. Or at least transforming it, perhaps into a “Peeing Gollum of the Marsh”, for those who don’t care about Brussels.
I really cannot express how excellent your items are, so thank you for reminding me again of what I really need. I will be saving up for the voice activated R2-D2. I want it to bring me Doritos in my voice activated lift chair. Then, and only then, will I know that I have truly made it in life, which is what you remind me every time I open your sticky pages.