I was hoping for a routine visit, a “there’s nothing really wrong with your filling” type of visit. I was also hoping this wouldn’t take long because I had the remains of a head cold. As anyone can tell you, jamming large implements into your mouth while sucking approximately 48% air through your nostrils is a never fun. I thought, no biggie. I’ve been through worse.
“I think we are going to give you Nitrous, is that ok with you?” My very sweet hygenist asked. Yes, I assured her that would be fine with me. If I am paying for it, this will be as close to high as I will get until..well, the next time I’m at the dentist. So yes, drugs are great. She proceeded to put the oxygen mask over my nose, at which point I started to breathe considerably better. I was even starting to enjoy this, as the trees outside swayed back and forth, back and forth…..it was kicking in. Which was a good thing because then she said she was going to put a dental dam on me. I choked at that point, stifling a Nitrous-induced laugh. I don’t know whoever named the female condom a “dental dam” but I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to put one of those on. The effect of this facial accoutrement ? You look like a garish, sneering Pokémon. I can’t see that ever really being a turn on in the bedroom, but hey, what do I know. Anyway, after transferring what seemed to be a large blue balloon onto my face, then threading it into my teeth, I thought, no, this is not comfortable. Nope. Not at all. Breathing was reduced to 29% and I started sucking back on the tube like my life depended on it, which it did. I got the numbing shot, which soon meant half of my face was pressing into the dam, further filling the balloon. My dentist pops off the old filling and makes a “oh no” sort of groan, which makes me think I have failed him somehow. I’m sorry, I think., I’m sorry my tooth is rotten, that’s probably where all my bad thoughts are stored and now you have to drill them out….
“Yup. Root Canal.” I’m not bothered. I’m just trying not to drown in my own spit.
I tried to push the drilling noises aside, watching the daytime soap opera that was above my chair. “Does this mean you are my boyfriend?” The heavily made up, scantily clad teeny-popper asks a handsome young man. “Well, I should think so, he said coyly, shoving his square jaw onto hers, in an effort to swallow her face. I realized again why I never liked soap operas. It was actually making this more painful to bear.
Then more drilling, the sucking, the waiting, the flushing, the injecting. And I was soon realizing, the peeing. That was about to start happening, which came on very suddenly. Now I was gasping for air and drooling and almost peeing myself. This was bad. I made the motion for “How Long?” which I think is a person waving their hand around in the air like a circle. At least, that is what made sense at the time. “Oh, how long?” she said. “Do you have to use the bathroom?” I nodded my enormous Pokeman face. “That’s a side effect of the Nitrous,” she informed me. This was nice to know, but not really super helpful. “Can you hold it for five minutes?” she asked. I nodded again, not really knowing if this was a possibility. I’ve had two children and the old pelvic floor has sort of dropped out of the foundation. Adult underwear should also be an option, along with the gas. I crossed my legs, like a first grader, and waited. And waited. And…waited. She finally freed my face from the contraption and walked me down the hallway, high as a kite. I vaguely remember going to the bathroom, and thinking, have I been in here a long time? I washed my hands for a very, verryyry long time, because the water was pleasantly warm, and this bathroom had a nice clean counter, unlike the ones I frequent in my own home, and I saw no need to rush really…
Eventually I made it back to the office, even remembering the bathroom key, which I think I should get some credit for. Then I was handed the bill, at which point I thought, oh well, I’m wracking up some serious travel points, right? Right. And that folks, is a not so routine, very expensive way to get high. Chalk it up to a new experience, as in, I can say I’ve had one now, that I know what it feels like, and I will go to great lengths to floss more often. And next time I am bringing some “Depends” in my purse, just in case.