Recently, I’ve been talking a lot about dying. It’s because I’ve only just realized that I’m not going to die young in a blaze of glory. This has something to do with being in your forties and mortality and all that, when it hits you that this is it and you better well get on with it. I also realize, I’m probably going to keep on sagging until I sag myself to death and trip over my own boobs and right down the stairs. It will be sad, of course, but funny for someone watching the headlines. These things make national news you know: Woman Trips Over Own Boobs, Falls to Her Death.
I’d read it.
Anyway, if that should happen, and it may well, I’ve done a bit of research over the years about what should be done with me. My husband will be sold as scrap (he’s got lots of metal in him) and I, well, there are a few options.
Option One: Cryonic suspension. For a paltry fee of 28,000 (cash, please) I can have my body frozen. I better do this soon, because I am already losing quite a few brain cells. I’m already losing keys and forgetting names and to repeatedly shut the hatch on the car after taking the groceries in, and who wants to be revived 100 years in the future only to be a drooling mess? I know I said I wanted a party boat and everyone to chuck my ashes over the side or plant me in their garden, but I can come back… what if the world is peaceful by then? We might evolve into kind and loving creatures. Creatures that drink craft beer like water. I’d like that. But, on the ick factor scale, it gets an 8. Have you ever left anything in the freezer for about a year? Hamburger, maybe? Try 100 years. No hamburger can survive that long.
Decide for yourself:
Option Two: Become a GEM! Yes, you can have your body made into a diamond! (Maybe not your whole body, as that would be a super-big gem, but I’ve seen some massive rocks before). Then your bereaved can WEAR YOU for the rest of their life! Talk about taking off the ring when you meet someone new. “Excuse me, I just have to turn my ring the other way, so she’s not watching….” There are obvious downsides to this. What if you are made into a really ugly piece of jewellery? I’ve seen many. This could happen. Or what if your bereaved gets into financial trouble? Your ass could be pawned at any second. As a family heirloom you would be…creepy. “This diamond ring is actually your mother’s body, crushed and heated into a gem for all time…” There could be some serious therapy after this. Or you might wind up in the fake jewellery bin at the Salvation Army. That would be kinda sad, especially if you were planning on haunting the people who did this to you, and now it was just some random stranger you had to haunt, who only bought you because you were cheap. Ick Factor: 7.
Option Three: Compost yourself! My husband just told me about this, to which I was incredulous, until I realized that basically in the “olden days” everybody was just composing and returning to the earth, that was kind of the point. But now they can put you in a special bin and you can really become the “black gold” your garden so loves. I think this is actually sort of awesome: I could become useful again! Sure it’s only a step away from “Soylent Green”, but you’re not being turned into food. You could just grow some really kick ass tomatoes! And THAT would be useful, and environmentally friendly. Ick Factor: 3. If you don’t like worms or dirt this might not be the thing for you.
http://www.urbandeathproject.org
So anyway, yeah, just laying out some options. Of course there is the old-fashioned way. Beware, people can still make jewellery out of you. I had a woman come up to me at a craft fair (I am a jeweler, amongst other things) and ask me if I melted gold.
“All the time,” I said. Then she told me she had her husband’s gold fillings and he had been a lying, cheating bastard. And could I please make her a nice pendant or something?
Pause.
She took my card, and I just mumbled something, like, “uh, sure, I suppose..” Luckily she never called. Maybe she had him made into a gem, and pawned his ass.
Good one! I loved reading this, this morning:)