I’ve been missing the dudes recently.
Not just any dudes, but my old guy friends. In high school, in college, my whole life from day one, I’ve always loved guys. After you get married, that does change a bit. “Hanging out ” is still acceptable, to a point. So you hang out with the ones you know are safe, who would never hit on you, are gay, etc. Harry met Sally came along and screwed it for most of us guy-friend lovers. Ooooooh sure, you can only hang out with a man if you want to sleep with him, and vice versa. Curse you, Meg and Billy. How dare you put a shred of doubt in my friend’s mind? After all, we were gloriously eating Doritos and playing touch football and swearing and talking about deck primer before you came along and effed it all up. You know what? Most of my women friends don’t want to talk about deck primer, or build things that involve cutting with diamond blades, or know which lubricant is best for flexible shafts. Not all men are thinking with theirs, either.
Last summer I got to see a few of my favorite guys in London, and it was a long time coming. My mate’s wife said, “Stuart must have really made an impression on you, you still writing to him after all these years.” I was a bit shocked, really. Why wouldn’t I write to him? I know he’ll never write me back, he hates writing. He’s dyslexic. But it was important for me to know he knew I still cared about him, years later. No one could make me laugh harder, trade barbs quicker, or be more genuine. I love this guy, forever. Same with my other friend, who likes to talk about art and society and bowel movements, sometimes all at once. They know I love them, and years don’t really change that fact.
I had fantastic dude friends in college, through work and home. For instance, my best girlfriend and her husband lived upstairs. This was a great combo, unless I had a big fight with my man… and perhaps threw something on the floor in a big huff. Minutes later… a phone call from upstairs.
“What’chyou break,” he’d say, laughing.
“Eff off. A spatula. It was my favorite.” I’d slam down the phone because there would be laughing from upstairs that I could hear, because the walls were paper thin, and I’d yell “I can hear that” to the sound of more laughing. Later, I’d go out with my friend and drink beer and we’d moan about the men, and the next day I’d fix bikes in the garage with her husband, because I like to know how things work and I like to get grease on my hands, and I find this extremely satisfying in a way I can’t articulate to women. This worked out well for her, too.
“Please come upstairs and watch a scary movie with him, because I will not, and he doesn’t want to watch it by himself.” Everyone got something out of the deal! And although I still talk to my girlfriend quite often, I never ask to talk to her husband, which is silly, because I miss him just as much.
A few of my neighbor friends will oblige, now that they know I like to go to hardware stores and basically just sniff the wood. I’ll call my friends husband. “I’m going to Rona, want to come?” We go look at bolts and windows and shoot the shit. This is an important part about hanging out with dudes. You get to shoot the shit and it isn’t about anything other than what it is. There is no “reading into the conversation,” we’re just talking straight, and if I offend you/vice versa, you will tell me to stick it. I appreciate that. A friend once told me that perhaps I was a male trapped in a women’s body, but that I must be gay, and that was why I was attracted to men. It was too confusing for me so I just agreed maybe, but also I could just be straight and like power drills?
And if I am a gay man in a woman’s body, why am I not a better cook?
Moving from place to place I have made many guy friends and have loved them all, they are special to me. I got to marry my favorite one, even though he doesn’t much like grease or building things, because why would I want to marry myself? How freaking boring would that be? As luck would have it, he isn’t jealous. Deep down inside, he knows there is no way I want to end up making sandwiches for more than one man, so he is safe.