I’d love to blame the fact that you haven’t heard from me on technical difficulties, but the truth is I always have technical difficulties. If my husband weren’t around to fix the computer I’d have to regularly throw them in the garbage. Remember the scene from Zoolander, where the dudes are banging on the computer, jumping around like monkeys, scratching their heads? Yeah, that’s me. Super sad, but true. I try to remind myself that we can’t be good at everything, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. (You should see Zoolander, by the way. I was once all uppity about it until I watched it, and then laughed my ass off)
I only recently discovered that someone else had overtaken my twitter account. I changed my handle and then never changed the feed off my website. The new me was a twenty-something club grrrl who tweeted rap stars. I guess no one ever twittered/tweeted/ whatever the hell it is… me, probably because I can’t be bothered, but needless to say no one called me on it. Either they thought I was having a midlife crisis (Yo bitches! Party house on fire YEEAAHhhh) or they thought that smooth forehead couldn’t possibly be mine. They would be right on both accounts. She had something like 2,000 followers, so perhaps I should be tweeting rap stars too, instead of my five friends. I tried contacting twitter but could never find an actual person to ask about my problem, only answers to questions that weren’t my problem. I even found a website that is called something like “Find An Actual Person To Talk To,” but they even said no one can ever call twitter. Or talk to anyone there. Or get a customer service person. Its run by gremlins.
I start to feel a mild panic when the computer starts to break down, but like all good procrastinators, I wait until something dire happens. It will say, “Your start up disk is almost full,” and I’ll think, well, yeah, I have lots of pictures hanging on there, most of them Craigslist ads, but I’ll get to it one day… then, a month later. “Your disk is full now,” to which I will pretend that message isn’t there and carry on. I could be a test subject for How People Are Stupid With Computers. And then, the final “I wasn’t effing kidding you dumbass, I am now going to slow down to slug speed and you better do something about this crap,” to which I cry “Eek!” and grab my husband. He sighs, and then goes about cleaning up whatever mess I have made with magic and pixie dust and nanobites or some shit. And then I go back to filling up the computer with crap.
And even though I know not to click on random messages that are a total hoax, I still, about once a year, get suckered. This is also why I buy all the wrong things at the store, I am rushing, not paying attention, doing five things at once. And then I go “EEKSHIT!” and hand the computer over to my husband, who glares at me and then fixes it again. More than once I have had a good cry about it. Of the kind like…why me no speeakie this language? WHY? Why did you think that Amazon was sending you an important message when you haven’t even ordered any books lately? Come ON, WOMAN. But, we can’t be good at everything, right?
Right?
So, I’m your gal is you need a word document. I can upload a picture. I can sort of run a website which is pretty basic, too basic even for my taste but I don’t know how to do fancy things, so there it is. I have a computer that people remark on… “That still works?” And I have a twitter account that I’m pretty sure isn’t even working right now. A friend told me she’d come over and show me how to actually do it. I might even learn how to hash tag, but let’s not get too crazy here. One thing at a time. Small-minded monkeys can type for a living, but nobody ever said anything about hash-tags. I’m more into hash browns, which I’m pretty sure are different.