I know I could shop at normal stores, to to be honest, it’s not as fun. I see shopping as more of a chore than anything, so if I can inject something interesting into the deal, I’ll do it. So I hit the thrift stores, the Salvation Army, etc. I learned long ago that you can find some really good stuff if you dig hard enough. Sure there is lots of crap. But socks that have hippies running through a field, obviously on LSD…still new, for 50 cents? That’s just not something you can find. Anywhere. That might be a good thing, actually, but still. There are merits to the thrill of the hunt. Take a few weeks ago. I was perusing Value Village with a friend; she came up to me with a box under one arm. It said two simple, yet beautiful words…words that made me burst out laughing. Did she want it? No she didn’t. I was going to buy it for a friend, I knew exactly who.
STEALTHY BRA.
What could possibly be funnier than that? Inside were two tissue wrapped boobies, ones that you suction to the front of you and then clasp together, if you need to wear a dress without a bra. Size D. Ample boob for my pal who is always telling me she’d like some of mine. We joke about if only one could donate a handful to a friend! She’d be happy and I’d love some manageable breasts. This was as close as I could get to donating boobs. So I stashed it in them in the closet for a future birthday, knowing that I had the best present ever.
Until I needed them.
I was going to wear a fancy dress to the Christmas party, one that did not lend itself to underwear hanging out. Many very cute dresses are like this, perhaps for people who do not have issues relating to flesh and gravity? A pal was going to borrow this cute dress, but she too said, what do I do with the boobs? Duct tape them up there? Not a bad idea really but at some point the tape would have to come off so, no. She did not wear the dress. And I think last time I wore it I just went without, and cinched that dress up so tight they didn’t move. Breathing was a problem though.
This time…maybe I could use the stealthy bra? Sure I couldn’t re-gift it. But I actually needed it.
I took them out to “practice”. My husband noted that if they didn’t actually work and one fell out of my dress when we were dancing, that might cause alarm. I agreed. I envisioned the scene in Indiana Jones where everyone at the party is kicking the antidote around on the dance floor. What’s that on my foot? Is that a boob? And then, kicking off said boob, maybe it would get flung through the air…all sorts of mayhem could ensue. My husband wants to keep his job and not have a night known as “Erin’s boobie incident” so I agreed. Practice. It was hard not to laugh as I took them out. They were…fleshy. I get that is the point, but do they have to seem so springy and real? I read the directions.“If you want to create more cleavage, adhere the Stealthy Bra slightly father apart on your body, and then cinch the clasp in front together. This is collectively known in my house as “having a front-butt”. Long story, but anyway…I did not need more cleavage, but I tried it anyway. Whoa! Indeed, ample chest-butt. I tried again, and when I took them off it made a total SSSHHHuuucckkk noise which was kind of gross. Again, I had them adhered. (The things are a bit clammy, just in case you are now thinking of getting some) Then, ta da! They stayed in place! Except! Yeah! That thing called GRAVITY! Holy Boulder was that a bad idea. I am basically still looking for underwear that comes with a neck sling, for more support, but so far that hasn’t come into fashion.
And, Damnit! Now I can’t give them to my friend! Not really, as a USED pair of fake tits really isn’t a good gift, not by anyone’s standards.
So I need to find another use for them. Here are a few…
It says on the box I can use them up to 100 times. So, I need a few more uses. Can you think of some for me? I’m sure you have a few. I’ll try to post some pictures of your ideas so other people who now own Stealthy Bras can really get the most use out of them.
And now you know what to ask for for Christmas! So many uses, so little time…. Get them while they’re hot! Yours for only 9.99…on the lower shelf of your favourite thrift store: next to the used pan, the potholder shaped like a pig, and the Crimper.