As you know, I don’t really do resolutions, because I hate failing. It makes me feel worse about myself, which I’m never in favor of. But I do have some goals, attainable ones even!
- Pay attention to what’s on your t-shirt. Look closely. Is there a pot leaf on it? Did you think that was a snowflake? Sure you ordered a “Happy Holidays” t-shirt because it had flaming skulls and Santa’s doing wheelies on bad-ass motorcylces in front of a burning Christmas tree. What doesn’t bring more cheer than that? But look again. You forgot, it’s been awhile since you’ve seen a pot leaf. Try not to wear this to the next cookie exchange of moms you might not know all that well. The fact that others didn’t call you out means they didn’t notice or they were too polite, and now think all sorts of things about your character. This is the second time you’ve done this, remember? That “The The” T shirt in the 80’s that you thought was an abstract face? No, it was a monster diddling itself, ejaculating paint blobs. It was only when your friend said WTF ARE YOU WEARING DON’T LET MY DAD SEE YOU that you clued in. But still, you did not learn. And you went on to study art.
- Try not to be so hard on yourself. Writers have sensitive natures, sure, and are by and large completely bonkers, but that’s what makes you, you. The bonkers part. Sure your kids may not get as many play dates because of it (see pot leaf shirt) but they’ll live. You’re only ruining their lives in small and imperceptible ways that will all add up to something worth paying a therapist about one day. But again, they will survive it, and you will only survive yourself if you stop thinking you’re crap at everything and that you should just give up entirely and get a job where you can see real progress at the end of the day. Being a writer is painful. You try to make something out of nothing and sometimes the result is like what your daughter brought home from first grade art class. Is this a cow? No, mom. That purple lump is a cat. Can’t you see by the pointy ear? Oh yes. Sometimes writing is like that. You will suck at it until one day you don’t. Sometimes a pointy ear is not enough. Keep going.
- Forget about the diet, just be healthy. So what if you have linebacker arms? They could come in handy. When your kids ask what you would do if a cougar jumps out of the bushes in the backyard, and you say, “I will punch it in the face, repeatedly, until it leaves” you mean it. And because of those freaking arms, you probably can. Just eat better and get more exercise, like normal people do if they want to be healthy. Because if you start counting calories and only eating kale you will be super boring to be around, yammering on about your stupid kale this and kale that, and also you will be off crapping yourself because of all the kale, which really doesn’t agree with you, does it?
- Keep up the “One Thing”. I’m really liking the “one thing” per day, once nice thing for someone else, unprovoked and just because. I do not like it when my children say “your one thing could be letting me play my computer game for as long as I like” or “I put on my socks without you yelling at me so that counts for my one thing”. That’s pushing it. But I’m getting all sorts of parking Karma and nice smiles, etc. which makes me feel like I’m doing something good in the world. And I know my one thing should sometimes apply to my husband. (Note to husband: I took your car fob in and got the battery changed, without waiting three months for the other one to give out, and I actually paid someone else to do it rather that trying to pry it open with a screwdriver and change it myself to save the eight bucks! The guy said it was “extremely hard to open” and gave me the stink eye because he must have known I’ve done that before. Does this count as my one thing? It’s pretty nice of me not to break the super expensive car fob).
- Inject more humour into…everything. Sometimes you need to pay someone to make you laugh. I went to see a few comedy shows recently and you know what? I felt better for DAYS. That’s pretty good, considering when you rebound from a major illness and decide you are going to change your life for the better, and be a better person, and turn over a new leaf…scientists say that lasts about two weeks. So, two weeks after life altering illness, or a few days after fairly cheap comedy? I say if you add a lot of comedy in there, think how many days of happiness you can bank? Because there’s just no putting a price on a rude joke that comes to mind when you are standing in line at the grocery store. That smirk can help you get through things. And the way this Trump cabinet is shaping up, I am going to need to look at funny shit pretty much everyday. I was even thinking about not writing the blog for awhile, because what was the point of it all, when I’m not dispensing anything but blither blather, and also I think the world might be ending? But then I thought, maybe there is one person out there who likes this blither blather. One person who needs me to make them smirk. I’ll do my best to don that ass hat, for you and for me.
And that about sums up what I have planned. Last year I did “resolutions for other people” but the dog walkers that leave little baggies of crap laying around didn’t read my blog, so I’m not sure it helped much. Happy New Year folks, may the farce be with you.