I haven’t been writing the blog lately because the world has been getting me down. You too? Yeah, I thought so. I didn’t want to spread that around anymore than it already is spreading. Like when you step in dog crap and then get into somebody’s car. And then you all go “Ohh man! Who smells?” and then you all get out of the car. But it’s on your shoe and you walk around for a bit, knowing it might be you but not really wanting to know, and when you find out, you scrape it off on the grass at the edge of the sidewalk. Unfortunately someone’s stroller goes off the sidewalk and into your pile, and the infected wheel spreads the shit down the length of the sidewalk, in such a way that 39 people don’t see it, traipse all over it, and then bring it home (ruining their day as well).
I didn’t want to be like that, you know? Better to keep my pile to myself. But then a buddy reminded me that he actually looked forward to reading my stupid blather, and he missed it, so here goes. First, a joke, to get you in the mood. It’s the only one I know.
Pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says,
“Pirate! You’ve got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants!”
(You must do your best gnarly pirate voice for this part)
“Arggh! It’s driving me nuts!”
HAHAHAHAHhahhahahha. Ok, don’t you know by now? I am not really an adult. Please repeat this joke to at least five people, preferably people you don’t know, like when you’re waiting for a bus or in line at the grocery store. You will be randomly passing on a joke that might make someone smile, and they might actually spread that around. And if they think you are nuts, they might tell their friends they met a crazy-person at the bus stop who told them bad jokes, which could make their day, and make them feel better about themselves for not being nuts. And while the joke might be kind of crap, you’re spreading a tiny bit of silliness. That feels better.
There are whole websites dedicated to making you feel better about the never-ending pile we find ourselves in. Sure, most of it is on the Internet and that’s where the quagmire begins, but there are spots that help as well. In moments of overload I steer myself to the ridiculous, the Monty Pythonesque, the Darwin awards. BBC4’s “walk on the wild side” is always good for a lift, because who doesn’t love animals that talk, especially a whale shark yelling “Gay Bar! Gay Bar!” under the sea, leading his buddies back to where the fun is. And buddies who also like to laugh are really needed right now. Seek out the ones who don’t care how loud their laugh is, who fart in elevators on purpose, who yell out “I’ll get it!” in busy restaurants when the phone rings.
Just today, I stumbled upon a company that seems to be dedicated to having some fun. It’s a camper rental, and they decorate their vans with outrageous slogans and pictures. The one I passed on the causeway was decorated with Cheech and Chong’s faces. On the back it read… “I used to smoke pot. I still do, but I also used to.” I think that’s a direct quote, and it gave me a good laugh. I looked them up. They park their vans under the viaduct under the highway downtown, so I dunno, might be a very loosely organized organization…. but hey. You can rent their vans, sleep on top of them, and advertise that you’re supporting weirdness all at once. That’s a win-win in my books. I really need to seek out people and products that promote sheer silliness. Like this one:
What’s that, you say? An inflatable pub? Yes, people. Somebody came up with this one. Pure genius. Why am I not thinking of these things? Obviously this is something the world needs right now. That’s what I need to focus on, more ridiculousness in my life, to counterweight the pile. A little levity will keep me afloat, and perhaps even get me writing the blog again. And yes, I will gladly learn your bad jokes, bring them on. A person should always have a few on hand, in case of emergency.