I have a folder where I store useful information for my kids. You know, for when I’m dead. This may sound morbid, but the harsh reality is that we all kick the bucket at some point. And I’m thinking that though I take care of myself fairly well, I can’t rule out the chance of being hit by a bus (or more likely a kid in the neighborhood, newly jazzed with his parent’s Maserati…that’s right, I saw a Maserati with an “N” sticker on it, which means new driver. Who is that stupid? But I digress). So when I am plowed down by that kid, I want to be prepared with small tidbits of information I haven’t yet had time to get to, or they’re not old enough to understand.
I have collected articles about what marijuana does to the brain, how it works, what it does to the system. I want them to be aware of what it is before they try it, which they will undoubtedly do. I will also add a post-it-note that reads: “If you find yourself close to the drum circle at the party, and you are grooving on it despite your inner hatred of drum circles, and you are too stupefied to move, you have had too much. Signal a friend to rescue you.” It’s important to know this can and does happen.
Another side note about parties: “If you find yourself at a party where you don’t know anyone, you might want to drink two beers in quick succession. But then fill up said beer with water, and walk around drinking it. You will have just enough lubrication to speak, but not so much that you lose your faculties or start to yammer on about something only you are interested in. At this point, you can watch as the party spirals downward into kids puking, people making out in earnest in front of everyone, and general mayhem. Because after the third beer you’re basically saying screw it, and then you have a fourth because you’re already this far in, so why not? And if you go there, then you might be the one puking in the bushes and then calling Dad, with your safe phrase, “I need to order a Pizza. TO GO” at which point he will pick you up still in his pajamas, a block from the party, and drive your drunk ass home. But this can be avoided with the water in beer trick, see? Ok. Have fun. Love mom.
There’s also work-life applications that I need to get down. Like when you are leaving a job. Never take the last job when leaving a job.
i.e. “Can you finish this one last thing before you go? I know it was on the back burner for a while and we talked about it, but I really think with your help we can get it implemented. You’re the only one who can make it work.” This will appeal to your ego and you will say,
“Oh yeah? Well, I suppose I could do this one last thing.” And you will walk away smiling. But then the person will turn around and wipe their brow in relief. Because they have just handed you the flaming-turd project that no one else will touch, that will never work. Because you are leaving, they can pin its crappiness on you after you’re gone.
“Oh, well, he/she tried to fix it, but they really didn’t have the skills,” they might say. And everyone will agree because you are gone and what is a better way to get rid of a bad plan? It’s called “pin the turd on the donkey.” Don’t be the donkey.
And…(there are just so many things to impart, how can I get them all down?) If your car insurance runs out, don’t take the car to get it renewed. You know why? Because you will get in a fucking accident on the way to the insurance office, that’s why, and then you will be screwed with high rates for…forever. This didn’t personally happen to me but happened to a close friend. There is no end to the bitter questioning late at night. “Why didn’t I take the bus. Why?!” Just don’t do it.
I could go on, but there’s only so much space in your day, I get that. But I truly think that my folder might be the most useful thing I ever give to my kids. I’ll put the incriminating pictures in it of me smoking in my wedding dress, so they know their mom was never a saint. Oh wait, they know that already. But there’s a few of Dad I can dig up. I need them to know they can and will screw up, and that’s how you learn. But with a few simple nuggets of knowledge, maybe they can avoid some of the ones I had to make. And the best and most simple advice I have? When the shit hits the fan, duck. I think that applies to most things in life.