I spend a lot of time thinking. Not always useful thoughts or earth-shattering ones, but I sometimes I daydream about the possible things I could invent that could help save the world-because who wouldn’t like to do that? But my recent daydream invention is more practical. Considering it has to do with the body, I’m sure someone smarter than me will develop it sooner or later.
In my mind, it looks like a twinkie. No ordinary twinkie, but one with the power to satiate for weeks on end. This could already be possible because I think the shelf life of a twinkie is something like 50 years. So, maybe the breakdown would be slow in the body, if you ate it all at once, in a pill form like those foam dinosaurs that you throw in the bathtub for little kids? Viola! Look, the pill dissolves and, whoa, a stegos
This would be especially useful when traveling. I was just on a long trip and was amazed by the amount of time our bodies take up. I want to be out exploring, hiking, roaming the world, but every few hours I need to eat or relieve myself or both (preferably not at the same time, I’m never that pressed). Take these needs times four people = a lot of time eating/pooping/thinking about when to do those things. I felt blessed on this last break: no one in my family got a stomach bug. Nothing slows your vacation to a grinding halt faster than needing to be three feet from the toilet at all times. Let’s go to the beach! No, wait, let’s watch re-runs of Hawaii-Five–O and Judge Judy for six consecutive hours instead. Because there is only a port-a-potty at the beach; people tend to get mad if you stay in it for an hour, whimpering and swatting at mosquitos, keeping an eye on the hairy spider sizing you up from the corner.
Behold, The Expandable Two-Week Twinkie! With time-released vitamins, of course. The nutritional value of the twinkie just might not be enough. I can’t seem to come up with an internal sprinkler system that goes along with it, but carrying water isn’t so bad. And peeing, if you’re a dude, can usually be done in remote locations. Women are less lucky but maybe we just all put on some adult diapers and head off and forget about it? I mean, why not- one less thing to think about. Or how about to go along with the twinkie, mega absorb
For those of you who are foodies, you are horrified, no? I mean, you go to foreign places to experience the food, the culture, the people. Sure, I get that. But I’m speaking to those who aren’t going for the cities, but the remote locations, where sometimes the local fare is what can be reheated from the freezer while still retaining its shape and texture. Or–anyone who just needs a break from bodily functions for a while to focus on other things. Like final exams. Or skiing on mountaintops. Or, in the case of some of my early years, when you have to decide which is more important, food or rent. It’s usually rent, and then…one ten-pound bag of potatoes. So… the twinkie could come in handy for lots of things.
But here’s the drawback. If you’ve ever truly been blocked up, it’s not a good feeling. Not even close to a good feeling. There would have to be another pill, a mood-enhancing “I feel great, this blockage is awesome really, I love feeling full all the time!” Now we’re into mood
Sigh.
It seems I have discovered the flaw. I guess I’ll just always have to get up earlier, plan more food stops and pit stops and carry an endless supply of cliff bars. I’ll have to keep peeing on my shoe. I’ll have to eat the reconstituted eggs at the breakfast buffet and tell the kids that they need to eat it because WE DON’T KNOW WHAT’S COMING NEXT AND THEY NEED SOME PROTEIN. I’m not yelling, was I yelling? Ok, I might have yelled that. And as long as no one on the trip gets a stomach bug, i.e. does not eat the chicken salad, anywhere, ever, I should just be thankful, it will have to do.