Kick the ball, Billy. Billy! Kick the Ball! BILLY! What’s wrong with you! What are you even doing here, Billy!
My kids play soccer. I’m glad about that, they have a good time; they get better each year.And I have finally found a clothing combination that allows me not to freeze when they are playing in driving rain. I can take the endless practices, the driving, the injuries and the disappointments, the tiny little granules of turf that we know cause cancer but somehow still wind up in my bed, I can take that. Because there are lots of rewards, lots of smiling all around. But the thing I can’t seem to take?
The adults.
Some of them, anyway. Some of them are great, totally normal people. But others think their son/daughter is living out their dream for them, or working their way into a lucrative career, or…actually I don’t know what the holy F some of them are thinking. When I hear somebody tell their kid “they were a real liability out there today,” in front of all the other parents, it makes me feel ill. It also makes me want to give them a swift kick to the crotch. Think this was a Dad? Think again. Crap behavior transcends the sexes. Yippie!
My husband told me about a good one he witnessed. A higher-level soccer coach was prowling the sidelines, instructing players in his thick European accent to run drills. It was time to separate the wheat from the chaf. (Or chaffed. Something like that.) Each kid was showing their medal in front of the league. A mother on the sidelines yelled at her son repeatedly-egging him on. Finally, the coach strolled over and thanked her… for helping him coach. (Ahem, he was being sarcastic.) She stopped, but only momentarily, the message lost to her. She continued with her yelling. He let it go… for a while. Then he came over and said, loud enough for others to hear:
“The key is to apply… Maximum Pressure.”And then he smiled at her and walked away.
My loathing of this parental intensity can also apply to coaching. We’ve been lucky enough to have the great ones, the ones other people wish they had. But there is more than one team known for their coach turning a blind eye to roughness. In fact, we’re pretty sure this one guy outright encourages it. There’s just nothing like watching ten-year-old girls take each other down, nostrils flared, like bulls let out of a pen! The dude has nothing on the bad Dojo master from Karate Kid. We’re pretty sure he tells them “Sweep the leg. And also the ankle, why not. And if you can, push and elbow when the ref is not looking, just for good measure.” This, along with endless shouting from the sidelines.
“Why am I here? You girls are wasting my time!”
There’s just nothing like a good motivational speech, isn’t there? Dude! They’re ten!
Isn’t the reason kids start sports is to learn about teamwork, becoming a part of something, being athletic, etc.? I know some kids who will go on to be champions, they are naturally amazing, and they work hard to develop their talent. Those parents aren’t the ones screaming on the sidelines. Funny how that works.
I’m just thinking out loud here…. perhaps the European coach was onto something. When you apply maximum pressure, do you get results? Does that ever work with kids? I can be guilty of applying pressure. I love to scream “go go go!” when my kid has the ball. I love watching them give it their all, and I’m disappointed if I think they aren’t working hard for their team. But I’m going to work hard never to hold up sports to be something other than, you know, sports. Have fun, play hard, share.
If more than that is riding on it, it’s getting weird, people.