What’s that smell? It’s in the bathroom, you say, and it smells like pee? I’m going to be straight with you. It is pee. If you have several people using the same bathroom, some of them are bound to miss. Or pee in the shower thinking no one will ever know. Or, I don’t know, spray pee all over the place or wipe their privates all over the towels. It could also be the toilet bowl brush, have you thought of that? Not everyone knows to clean it regularly. In fact, some people don’t even know it exists, or what it is used for, or that if you let the brush sit in a bucket of pee juice it will be like fragrant potpourri. Pee-pouri. Those people shall remain nameless. After cleaning the shower curtain, under the bowl, q-tipping the little divots that bolt the toilet lid down, washing every piece of fabric everything including the mat, the mat that should really have been replaced a few years ago, after all that, if it still smells like pee? Get used to it. If you’re at my house, the downstairs one is cleaner, just saying. 

What’s that other smell? It’s in the fridge, you say? Well there are obvious ones, but you’ve checked those already. Look further back. It’s actually the brown liquid that ran between the glass shelf and the vegetable drawer: old take-away juice from the bottom of the broccoli beef container. You never even saw it, but that’s what it is. I’m sorry. You have to take out all the shelves now. Just do it, clear some space on your calendar for this one. Because there’s also maraschino cherries in there from 1989 as well as a mustard you can’t get at the supermarket anymore, because they stopped making it several years ago. This doesn’t smell because it’s in a glass container but please get rid of it anyway.

What’s that smell in the entranceway?  Seriously, again? Just get that plug in thing that smells like Autumn Sunshine and plug the effing thing in, will you? Just deal with it later. A person can’t just only deal with smells all the time, can they. Approximately one hour later because, my god, what is that? Is that the cleats shoved under the coats, unseen and hidden by someone not wanting to put them in the designated “where gross smelly cleats go” section of the laundry room? Why yes, it is, and there appears to be a mixture of grass and, OMiGod, (retch)… that’s what it is. Did you run off the soccer pitch to look at a bird’s nest?  Why yes! Right into this pile. Thank you, dog owner. Or human, it’s hard to tell. (Retch) Try not to hate the world, this is just how it is. Usually, you will find this smell sooner. It is no less easy to deal with, sooner or later. One day, we will lose our sense of smell, if we make it to old age. I for one will be fine with that, even if losing my sense of small means all food will taste like Cream of Wheat. Who cares. I’ll have other problems by then, and so will you.

Enough about the smells. What’s that thing that looks like a leg on the carpet? An insect leg? Is it? It would have to be giant, a woolly mammoth of a spider, if it is. Inspect closely. If there are no serrated edges, it could just be a twig or a string. Poke it, is it a string? No? Ok, pick it up in a Kleenex then, it’s not touching you so go ahead and do it. Now put your glasses on. Actually, you should maybe do this first. Oh no. It is a leg, there are the edges like a little creepy bandsaw. This means there is something really, really, large roaming around the basement somewhere, try not to think about this, because somehow it lost a leg and perhaps it is pissed off about it and waiting for you when you turn off the lights. It is probably in the laundry room. Maybe avoid the laundry room for a while.

What? Did you see that? Who does that lady think she is, cutting me off in the turn lane and then inexplicably going straight, through a red light? What in the bejesus could she be thinking? Oh wait, this is Vancouver. It’s like Road Warrior without all the fancy skulls, spears and grappling hooks. If you live in a larger city you might encounter this too. And be on the lookout for BABS. That’s her personal license plate. I’m not going to relay all she did in the Safeway parking lot just here, because we all have things to do. Let’s just say I’m not proud of myself, not really. I didn’t give her the finger. But I very slowly might have mouthed some words to her, slow enough so if she was lip reading, she would know exactly what I was saying. In my defense, I was just trying to leave. It’s not my fault the other cars wanted to weave around me or honk at her, as she was blocking the way for everyone, gesturing wildly and generally having a spaz for some reason known only to her. I’m sorry BABS. But you got my message. People, be on the lookout. Not just for her. They are EVERYWHERE.

What’s that sound, below the window every night? That rustling? Obviously, it must be an animal. But which kind of animal? The neighbor said she saw a rat run past our house. She then asked if I would be putting up traps to catch them. No, is what I said. No. I would not be doing that. She said her son used to do it for her when he lived at home. I stared at her blankly. I am not her son. I just said we leave near a creek, that’s kind of the way it is. I think this made her mad, she didn’t talk to me for a while, she moved away shortly thereafter, which I was actually ok with. So…it could be a rat. But there has been a skunk smell around, and the other neighbor said a family of skunks might be living under their step. So, it could be that. Sometimes it’s for sure a dog, but maybe a coyote? It could be because we hear it snuffling around, which is really unnerving when you’re trying to sleep. Sometimes there will be a fresh pile of smell waiting for us in the front yard the next morning, and I think, damnit dog/coyote/smallish animal, can you not go someplace else? Because it could end up in the front entranceway, and I really hate that. Did you figure it out, the sound? Did you use infrared cameras? Or did you stick your head out the window to see? Just wondering how far I should go. Because you know if I turn a light on, it will just be gone in a flash. That or it might spray me in the face with foul smelling liquid. That would be very hard to get rid of. That would be a whole blog page in and of itself.

Perhaps, what I should really do right now, is to stop procrastinating on my work. You should too. We should really get back to whatever it is we should be doing. But there are so many things to think about. Sometimes small things. Or things like smells. It can be endless, you know what I mean? Endless.