If you were like me, you welcomed 2020 with open arms. 2020! What a great number! Great things are bound to happen this year! I have so much energy to get things done! To realize my full potential! I can feel it! THIS IS THE YEAR!!

Fast forward a few months.

I’m wiping down my groceries with wet wipes, rationed out like bits of gold flake, on the back stoop in the pouring rain. We almost run out of toilet paper. I’m trying to figure out how to home school/get the kids to do it themselves because I am a terrible teacher, it turns out. Yelling “What do you not understand?!” isn’t model parenting, especially as I don’t understand how to navigate the systems they’re using. I was yelling at myself. And trying to understand larger existential issues which plagued (pun intended) every waking moment. The larger world was quite literally going to shit: the U.S. was flirting with a dictatorship and killing its own people, and oh yes, race riots, the ugly underbelly of a truth just under the surface, the inequality that has always been there. Add on the environmental disasters? The pictures of frontline workers, some succumbing to Covid?

Cue the overwhelming anxiety! 

That I battle on a regular basis, now ramped up to full octane, mixed in with depression! Good times, 2020, good times. 

Just to pile it on, kill and old friend with Cancer, and one from suicide, while you’re at it. I didn’t realize just how low the bar could be set, that there would be no way to wiggle underneath. I got crushed under its weight; I retreated for a while, focused on little things like basic hygiene. If tears were worth money, this past year would have made us all millionaires. And there are so many stories that are so much worse than mine. So. Many.

So this is the part of the blog where I tell you what I learned and how strong I’ve become through struggling, how I’ve dug deep and found the inner strength to persevere. Except I’m not going to. Because struggle is hard, and you should just congratulate yourself on making it through. There’s no need for lessons learned or to make comparisons about who excelled in this time of solitude. I got some shit done. We all did. You made it. That’s good. And I will never again pin hope on a number that sounds good. 2021? It’s a fine number. Just like a different old white guy in the white house. He’s… fine. He’s much better actually because he’s sane and has a black woman V.P. which should make us all proud. 

The only things I did worth mentioning were to help other people, when I could. Made some art for them. Volunteered some time. Made a new pen pal. Made cardboard and tinfoil monoliths and placed them randomly in people’s yards, if only to give them hope that there was some sort of intelligent life out there, or a laugh. In short, if I was bringing others joy, I was good. There’s something to remember.

I did learn a few things this year. 

Did you know that penguins can be gay? I didn’t know that. For some reason that makes me really happy. To think of an Emperor penguin waddling over to another, smelling that pheromone scent of love, and saying, Steve, I choose you. For life. It melts my heart. It also is kind of a middle finger to all the people that think being gay is some sort of choice, and not just who you are. The animal kingdom is smarter than we are, in most ways. 

An aside here…I once had a short argument with a bible thumper who decided to come into the Pharmacy (I’ve had many, many jobs, but only list this one on my Facebook feed, as it’s the only one where I’ve ever felt at home) He came in and started shouting, offended by our rainbow flag on the door, blah blah blah.

            “But you think God created everyone in his image?” I said.

            “Yes. He did.” He said, an indignant look crossing his face.

            “Then I think he probably knows they’re gay.” I said, and promptly went back to doing whatever it was I was doing. There really isn’t an argument to that one. The guy left. Touche!

I also had my Facebook fears confirmed by the movie The Social Dilemma. I even did a few experiments. I talked about getting the gutters cleaned, my phone laying nearby. What should show up on my Facebook feed? Links to gutter cleaners in North Van. I hate being right, though. And instead of dialing it back, because of learning of my friend’s deaths on Facebook, I thought I had to check every day. What if someone else died? What if? I used to go months without looking. But I’m afraid I’ve been caught in the undertow of doom-scroll. And because I am a cat video watching person, I get all sorts of info on the latest and best litterboxes and litter, even though I don’t own any cats. I also get requests to join taxidermy groups. I’m not sure why or if I’m ready to go there.

What else did I learn. That animals can help each other cross the road?

And Diego the Galapagos turtle has managed, as one of two males left, to repopulate the species. After 40 years of boning, he has finally gone home to Espanola. Well done, dude. Well done.

Mostly that’s all I remember. There are fleeting moments of joy, of overeating, of walks with friends, of socially-distant working out with a friend under her porch, rain or shine, which kept me sane. (Thank you Sherry and Julie) Of forest-bathing to the sound of moss growing. Those were good times.

My goal for this year? To buy some of those crest whitening strips and get my teeth in order, I look like a fucking pirate (I drink a lot of caffeinated beverages). That’s all for 2021. And that’s going to have to be enough. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, 2020. 

And for those who haven’t yet seen it, here’s a video that basically sums up all my feelings about 2020. Fuck you, 2020. Just, Fuck you.