Like many of you, I have an email for crap, and one for lesser crap. The junky one can be quite hilarious; the filter must be set low and all sort of interesting things come in. Deals for vent cleaning, lipo-laser hair removal, Dr. Oz’s miracle somethingorother, etc. Most of them I send to the spam collection without a moments thought, the others are Micheal’s coupons I occasionally use. Yesterday I got one from…get this…Ashley Madsion. Who is Ashley Madison, you ask? I’d heard of it before, but this, hey, Ashley wanted ME. The email reads: “The #1 rule if you’re having an affair is never to do it with a single woman. Instead, date a MARRIED woman who has (in bold) just as much reason to keep your affair a secret as you do. I thought, hmm. I can have an affair with a married woman and no one will know? Wait, aren’t I the married women? Oh yes, Erin could be confused with Aaron or Arin. This explains the penis enlargement spam. I read on… “at Ashley Madison you can meet millions of married women trapped in sexless marriages, looking to be discreet. 100% secure, anonymous and NOW GUARANTEED.” Their motto? “Life is short. Have an affair.” I had to laugh at this one. If my husband wanted to cut his life short he’d have an affair, but I think that is not what they are advertising.
It is a repulsive business idea, but also very brilliant. Someone has taken online dating to a whole new level. I doubt MILLIONS of women are waiting, for me, or actual men. Perhaps there are MILLIONS of men, and about six women, who are very popular. Not that women don’t have affairs, I haven’t looked at statistics, but as marriages have a 50% divorce rate and it takes two to tango, I doubt very much it is only the men doing the cheating. But honestly, unless they can manufacture time out of thin air, how does this work? Even if this very discreet service offered up a sex starved person for me to meet, when would this happen, between the dry-walling and grocery shopping, or would it be between soccer practice and piano? Maybe I could multitask and this person could meet me in the parking lot at RONA? I guess I must be happily married, as I don’t need a reason to make this work. Most of the moms I know, sex starved or not, simply do not have the time for another person in their life, much less form a relationship with them; it might lead to sandwich-making for yet another person. Nope. No way.
I think this is actually a brilliant way to blackmail. Ashley Madison collects your information, researches your life, and gets back to you with another email. “Here at Ashley Madison, we now know all of your intimate details! We have no reason not to share this with your wife, unless you come up with a monthly payment of $3,000. If you try to discreetly get the police involved, we will send your information to 4Chan, in which case all sorts of random horrible things will happen to you! Thanks for using Ashley Madison! Life is short. You are dumb!”
And what exactly can they guarantee? Coitus? We GUARANTEE that you will get some after signing up for our service….” How can that be guaranteed? Sometimes you get interrupted, or drink too much, etc. You can’t guarantee such a thing, contract or no contract. I’ll pass, Ashley. Thank you for taking the time to contact me with your discreet service. It’s good to know millions of women could be waiting for me. It’s always nice to be wanted.