Public Service Announcement #781: Some B.S. is a good thing
The other day I had a roofer over, fixing up the venting. We were deciding on the placement of vents, when I suggested an alternate plan to his idea, and then asked him what he thought.
“Good idea. I think if we place them there, it gives the house a European look, like they’re an architectural feature, built that way because someone knew about ergonomic design.” Again, we were talking about little plastic covers.
“That, “ I said, “Is EXACTLY the kind of bullshit I want to hear!” His colleague doubled over with laughter. Honestly, went right over. “No really!” I said, smiling, addressing the laughing man. “He let me think my idea was superior, that I had inherent knowledge of European design, and that everyone else would think so too. That is really brilliant, and quite a good sales pitch! When really no one will ever notice or care, but me, which he already knows!” Roofing guy started to laugh when he realized I was paying him a compliment; I was genuinely pleased with the turnout. I was, too. He was using a subtle psychology known as “agree with the person paying for it, it will make them happy,” only going a step further. I really did appreciate it. This is an example of good B.S.
Another example, which I have to say I thought was brilliant right up until the end… we had to go the grocery store on the busiest day ever. I had a list a mile long filled with hard to find ingredients, at a store we don’t often go to, and I dragged along my husband. (As you can see, this is already a bad scenario). I ripped my list down the middle into two halves. “You and Daddy go and get these ingredients, and we will go and get these ones. It’s a treasure hunt!!! Whoever gets back to the front first wins a prize!”
WHAT IS THE PRIZE ?! was the resounding chorus.
I said it was a surprise, mostly because I hadn’t thought that far ahead. Off we went; it all went swimmingly until we got to the front, and the boy team had won. But they weren’t looking happy, as the VERY SPECIAL naan bread I had specifically requested was not in the pile. “But surely it must be here? In the freezer maybe?” I whined. My husband shot me a disparaging look, explaining he had scoured the store already, and what was the actual prize, anyway. I went to look for the naan. I thought I could will it into my hand, as it was the sole reason we had come to this store in the first place. This just irritated my husband more, and rightly so, as I wouldn’t take his word for it. “(Sorry honey) but back to the B.S… billing an impossible grocery store run as a treasure hunt? Surely, I get points!! This was fast thinking good B.S. And no one was harmed in the process, other than my husband.
Other B.S. that keeps everyone happy:
“You’ll be fine!”
More often than not, this needs to be stated before a traumatic event. Minor surgery, piano recitals, driver’s tests, etc. You still have to say it. Next time they will practice more, as it wasn’t fine, and they froze up before the audience, backed into a cop car, etc. And next time my husband has surgery, I will tie a wrist band to him that says, “Give Benadryl first, ask questions later,” and then say, “Now you’ll probably be fine.”
“I never said that.”
This one is very useful, if you are relying on semantics. Perhaps you had a “but” or an “and” in the sentence, making the one relayed back to you untrue. Or perhaps you really did say that but it isn’t at all what you meant, so unless you were taped, you can say, “what I really meant was,” which is what you should have said in the first place. But still. It might save your ass from time to time. Whole marriages have been saved on this one. You will own up to it anyway, in the end.
(By the way, did I mention I am a terrible liar? I swing to the opposite side, to brutal honesty, because I am so bad at lying. But, B.S. that serves the greater good? I’m trying it more. This doesn’t apply if I tell you your butt looks good: it’s because it does. Otherwise I wouldn’t talk about your butt.)
“4:00 is a perfectly acceptable time to start drinking.”
This isn’t really true, unless you’re in the Caribbean. But if someone is asking, that probably means they were already duped them with the ‘ol “it’ll be fine” bullshit and now they need a drink. Let them have it. And if you see it happen with regularity, think about forming a support group for them, an intervention, or, just join them. It all depends, really.
I could go on, but perhaps you have some “good b.s.” you want to share with me? After all, I am realizing late in life that it can be really beneficial for everyone. The little things, like venting, groceries, telling me MY butt looks good (I’m fine with you lying) these are things that can make life run a little more smoothly. And that is something I am all for trying.