I am “agitating” for a new car. At least that’s what my husband says, and I think that is the perfect word for it, as in, an itch that is irritating and omnipresent and bothersome. Do I need a new car? That depends. If I am to get any trade in value whatsoever, it has to be now.

I own a Mazda 5, in blue. Blue enough so I can always find it in the parking lot, which was one of my criteria for buying it. I didn’t realize it was “show every scratch” blue. I also didn’t realize that by slamming into the same bush in my driveway (it sticks out a foot further than the others, and I keep forgetting that when I’m reversing) I created a new method of scratching: car exfoliation. If the car is really really dirty on the outside you can’t tell as much. The blue bomb (affectionately named) is big enough to be functional, but not enormous, also a criteria. It came with absolutely zero accessories, which means there are no sensors or heated butt warmers. My biggest problem is that the radio doesn’t really even work, so plugging anything into it doesn’t work either. I listen to a.m. radio and actually learn things by default. And the kids seem to only like the rock stations that play Steppenwolf and Dan Fogarty. Not my favourite. So basically, my car is functional, and like a bucket you can pour children and lots of groceries and crap into. We also bought it because it still somehow qualifies as a car and not a minivan. This is only in our heads. It is totally a minivan, just a small one. A friend recently told me, “We bought a Mazda 5 too!” “Great!” I said, “Join the club!” and she told me the word on the street…

“You know what they call it, don’t you?”

“No. What do they call it…?” I said, with a bit of trepidation in my voice.

“The Mom5!”

At which point we both sighed and expressed sorrow at the loss of our cool-ness. Which got me thinking. I am really, really so uncool now. You should see the shit I wear in public. And I drive a (small) minivan that everyone recognizes as mine, even across town. Maybe it’s the exfoliation.

So I whined to another friend about my problem-which-really-isn’t-a-problem. (I am aware the world has problems larger than this one).

“I’d like a car that is..kind of COOL!” I said, completely meaning it.

She looked at me and laughed. “Who ARE you?”

She had a point. This wasn’t really me, as I have driven lots of complete turds in my lifetime, without any thought to it whatsoever. We even owned a hand me down that had peeling paint across the front. Exfoliation has nothing on a car that looks like it has a skin disease. But I did own a couple of cool cars too, a 1971 Volvo that my brother and I got to up to approximately… nevermind, my mom will read this. Lets just say it had a speedometer that looked like a thermometer, an actual red line that moved, (up to 220 mph) it had a manual choke and a stick shift like that on a semi. It was awesomely cool. Then there was Joan Jetta, a Volkswagen plagued with problems much like her namesake. She was cool.

So I began looking, just to check out what is out there. I got the “Lemon-aide” guide to buying cars and drove around a few lots. (Hint: if you drive slowly, none of the salespeople can catch up to you). I even spoke to a few salespeople, to see what they had to say. One was extremely helpful, and a total liar. He showed me a massive minivan that smelled like dog and told me there were enzyme treatments for that.  It looked brand spanking new on the inside. I don’t that smell is ever coming out, and no leather captains chair is going to make me think otherwise. He also called me the next day to say there was a woman in who was looking RIGHT THAT DAY for a Mazda5! Wasn’t that a coincidence! And I better hurry in! Despite my latest post, I am not actually that stupid. I wouldn’t go looking for a used Mazda 5 at the Subaru dealership, and neither would anyone else. Jeez.

The next guy was honest, at least. I test drove an older minivan that actually had some cool factor. It was like being inside the console of the Voyager, and I was Captain Picard! I’m sure I could tell it to “engage” and it would park for me. “Expect to pay twice as much in gas,” he said. “Just being honest.” Ok, honesty is better. I told him what I was looking for and he brought me over to the Ford Transit, just in from Europe. It looks like a European Cargo Van. I told him it lacked…coolness. He laughed and agreed. “Yes, But think of the things you could move in it!” He had a point there. I could also convert part of it to a traveling taco truck, or if I really wanted to make money, an ice cream truck. I could park it outside the school and rake it in. Of course, the administration might take issue with that, but I could always say that I would never help with any fundraising/volunteering again unless they let me exploit my neighborhood kids. I think they’d back off.

So, really, I am back to square one. Did you know, despite the environment, they are making cars that are as big as small houses? And that they all sort of look like Nike tennis shoes? And that they cost more than I took home in a year on my fist full-time job?  WTF people?!!! This is just agitating.

I think I am going to burn some new cds and drive the bomb for a few more years, until they can come up with something that doesn’t suck all the gas from the planet and double as a second home. I need Homer Simpson to design something for me, with domes and fins and Turbo boost. And it needs to be cool, even for a mom.

I’ll wait.