I was having a conversation with my junk guy, Ivan, when he pointed something out to me. I call Ivan when I need something very, very heavy lifted, say, a hunk of mysterious concrete sticking out of the backyard. Turns out that everybody likes to stay connected, know whom he or she is really dealing with.

“I googled you”, he said.

“Oh yeah?” I replied, trying to think what my last post was. Then I remembered.

It was one about sex.

“Oh. Heh heh heh,” I stumbled, thinking, oh well.

“You need a platform, need to offer people something if you want to make money.” Turns out Ivan also builds websites and is interested in all things technological.  “Sure,” I said, “If I was trying to make money. But it’s more of a writing exercise than anything.”

He looked at me like I was crazy. Why would I do something for free? And he’s right, but I honestly think it would be less fun if I went in counting how many people visited my page, obsessing about how many “hits” I got. I can get this information from the hosting site, and once a year they send a review. One post got over a thousand hits, but I’m pretty sure its because there was the word “Turd” in the title, and over the course of a month at least a thousand ten year old boys were googleing the word “turd” and came across it. But maybe he’s right. Maybe I need to offer you something more than just whatever random thought I pull from my backside for the day. So, here’s my first try. I will work my way up to solving the world’s energy crisis and creating world peace, etc., but for today, I will solve a few of the worlds mysteries that plague us on a daily basis.

1)   WHY DO MY GODDAMN SHIRTS KEEP GETTING LITTLE HOLES IN THE FRONT?!

I’ve heard many people report the same thing. Some say its bugs on your countertop, or bugs in the closet. This doesn’t explain why they are always in the same place, bugs don’t have radar for your midriff. Or if they do that’s something I don’t want to know about. But according to the very extensive rants on the Internet (these people are EXPERTS! They are on the Internet!) It’s either your seatbelt rubbing on your shirt over your pants, you rubbing a hole in it against your countertop, or your shirt rubbing over the pointy top part of your jeans. This has been less of a problem for me lately because there is a nice wad of fat hanging over the top, protecting my new shirts. This is one option for you, just get fat. I recommend beer and chips if you need to get fat quickly. You could also wear an undershirt, protecting your top shirt from scraping. And when you are washing dishes or at the counter, tuck your shirt in and wear an apron. Or just get fat.

2)   WHY DO SOME EGGS PEEL EASILY, AND OTHERS LOOK LIKE POCKMARKED TEENAGERS?

Okay, they don’t exactly look like teenagers, but we all knew that one guy that did have a face like that. Just sayin’. This often happens when you are having guests over, and are trying to make something like deviled eggs or a lovely ceaser-ish salad. As you try and peel them, they get all chunky and annoying and half of it eventually comes off, and you end up just making egg salad sandwiches instead, which no one likes.  This happens because your eggs are too fresh. This actually makes sense to me, because I’m buying new eggs for other peoples salad, when I might not even look at the expiry date if it was for me. The eggs shrink in their membrane if they are about a week to ten days old. Peel from the pointy part, viola! Why did I not know this until now! The Internet is freaking amazing!

 3)   WHY ARE AVOCADOS FINE ONE DAY, AND BAD THE NEXT?

That one is karma. You know that guy you cut off the other day in traffic? Your all Sensing Karmic Avocado knew. Pfft. It turned greyish brown at that very instant. So when you got home, ready to have your quesadillas, your avocado was waiting for you, wearing fuck you brown on the inside. So stop being a bad person and your avocados will remain true.

I actually made that one up but it’s going on the Internet, so it actually must be true!

4)   WHY AM I IN MY FORTIES AND I STILL HAVE ACNE? WHY? WHY?

I think this one will take too long to answer. It may have something to do with the aforementioned beer and chips. It also has to do with beauty products, sleeping on dirty pillowcases because I am too lazy to wash them often enough, vitamin deficiency, and hormones. Yup, you know I’m about to have CrotchHellfire (I have renamed it) just by looking at my face. That can also be proven by the fact that I am crying at a BBC animal show, and something has just died.  PMS affects us all differently, people. Also, try not to hate the people that have beautiful glowing skin. They have better genes. Repeat that to yourself (but not so other people hear) and know that all their avocados at home are rotten, too.

So there you have it folks, information you could not live without. Tune in next time for something else….which of course could be just whatever random thing is scraping around in my brain….which is how I truly try to be useful. You are not alone in your madness. You have me.