PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT # 821: RESOLUTIONS FOR OTHER PEOPLE
Hi there! In todays public service announcement, I’d like to throw out some new resolution suggestions, as you may have already broken the ones about not eating as much or drinking all the wine/hiding it in your desk. The end of the month is nigh and its time to think seriously about resolutions that you can keep. Why are these for other people? Because I have no willpower. But you, you have some, I know it.
RESOLUTION #1
I WILL NOT LEAVE BAGS OF DOG SHIT LAYING AROUND FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DISCARD.
This one seems like a no brainer, but for some reason, people go to all that trouble to bag up their dog’s crap only to leave it there, all wrapped up like a little present. For me? Oh thank you! I have always wanted a blue bag of steaming shit! And to the person who flung their present into the tree outside our school? Please, please do not do this. At some point that bag is going to fall. Possibly on a kid. And then they will have, always and forever in their mind, “The day a bag of ancient dog shit exploded on my head outside the school.”
Uh yeah, here it is above.
RESOLUTION #2
I WILL NOT ASK OTHERS ABOUT THAT STRANGE RASH ON THEIR NECK
As someone who always has a rash somewhere, it is not polite, especially at a party in front of other people, to ask loudly “WHAT’S that RASH on your NECK? That must hurt. DOES It ITCH?” Yes, fucker, it itches. It’s a rash, right? I was once told by an acupuncturist that I must avoid alcohol, spicy food, nightshade vegetables, and wheat. I was also told by a naturopath (as sometimes you think “I’m going to get to the bottom of this, once and for all”) that I was allergic to everything and must only eat kamut and goat yogurt. So…screw that. I will always have a rash. Be nice to rash-y people, they need love too.
RESOLUTION #3
I WILL NOT TAKE UP ONE AND A HALF PARKING SPACES OUTSIDE SHOPPERS DRUG MART BECAUSE I HAVE A FLASH CAR
Because we know, ok? We know your car is nice. You don’t need to hog two spaces to prove it, and make sure no one else can park there or get close to your precious. Some jerk will probably key your car just to make a point that you can’t control everything in life. That or they will just park really really close to the other side so you have to climb in your passenger side, which I recently saw you do, and it was actually pretty funny to watch. I was laughing at you, not with you, and I’m not even a mean person.
RESOLUTION #4
STOP BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. RIGHT NOW.
If you’re going to have an opinion, don’t be half assed about it. Either get in trouble for how you feel and deal with it, or suck it back and do a doormat. At least if you’re aggressive people will know “well, they are being a dick, but at least I know where they stand.” This can backfire of course, like, if you are a presidential candidate in the U.S. with a bad come-over. People like him because he is aggressive, which is weird. But for us commoners, phrases like
“Well, unlike OTHER people I know, I can…”
Or, “I didn’t know you meant that” …etc. Fill in the blank here. Don’t smile when you’re mad, or undermine people just to give yourself something to do. There are other, more rewarding hobbies, like crochet or Pilates. Mostly you just need to shut your pie hole and consider other people. But honestly, they would much rather know you’re an ass, up front. Then they can avoid you.
RESOLUTION #5
SHARE. YOUR STUFF, BUT EVEN MORE SO, YOURSELF.
Aww, I know, this one is all huggy. But if you don’t share your feelings with anyone, you might just explode, which would be gross. You need to know that we are all in the same soup, so you don’t feel so alone in it. There is a proverb from Easter Island (no I don’t know if it’s carved on one of the heads) that says: “We are born. We eat sweet potatoes. We die.” I thought this pretty much sums it all up. Except now our lives are filled with technology and pesticides and unattainable goals and unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. So, maybe a little bit different. But still, talk to each other. It helps. Not so much in the coffee shop really loudly though, lady-who-just-laser-removed-all-your-vagina-hair. I didn’t need to know that and from the look on your friends face, she didn’t really want you to share that either.
So…I think that’s all for today. These are reasonable goals, right? Let me know if you think of any others. After all, we all need to help each other be our best selves!!