Lets do a little exercise. First, watch this video.
Does anyone else see a problem here? My husband just laughed. It was a rare moment where we actually watched the commercials, and it made me remember why I don’t watch commercials anymore.
“Yeah, that’s EXACTLY how it would go down at our house.” he said.
I was simply horrified. First, because there were so many things wrong with this picture.
Obviously the Mom is blissed-out on horse tranquilizers, because this is all ha ha so endearing. Her children are making a giant mess in her superbly off-white house! The only people who have that much white in their house have live-in help. To deal with the whiteness. I digress… back to the Mom. Most mom’s I know would say something to the degree of,
‘Stop blowing bubbles, little Tommy.”
No response.
“Tom, stop blowing bubbles at the table. Chocolate milk is a treat in this house, so you probably want to drink it, rather than let it go everywhere.”
Still no response, bubbles continue.
Or, skip these lighter steps, if you have had a shitty day and everything has broken/gone off/given you a ticket/left you at the ass-hair end of your wits.
“TOM STOP DOING THAT RIGHT NOW. I said NOW (possible swear word)! Judas Priest! Do you think I am here to just clean up after you?”
Or some variation on this theme, with or without the swear. Bounty actually does think that I am here to just clean up after my kids, and that’s all I really do, so thank goodness they make an extra-ply wipe that will clean up chocolate milk. But no, it doesn’t end there! The mom actually applauds her second son, imitating her first! Ha ha Ha! Again! These tranquilizers are really good!
Please. I just, well. I just don’t even know what to say.
So here is the exercise part. Re-write how this would go down in your house, and put it in the comments section. We might need to “forward” our stories, so Bounty can have some real life experience when filming their next commercial. And while we are on that topic, don’t these commercials have to be approved by a panel or something? Bounty, did you stack the panel with your friends, the ones who never tell you anything bad about yourself so you never learn/grow? Or were all the people on the panel playing ma-jong on their ipads? Did you notice they all mumbled, “um hmm, that’s fine?” You know that means they aren’t listening, right?
Right. Bounty, I don’t know what planet you live on, but on mine, Moms aren’t like this. Sorry, but unless you re-name your product Moron Bounty, I’m not buying it.
Okay. Not being a mom, it’s rare for me to 1, have children in my home, and 2, have paper towels around. I think having #1 (above) creates the need for #2?
As luck would have it, I DO have some very recent experience with this type of thing. My friend from college, Kelly, recently came to visit from NYC with her daughters, ages 2 & 4.
FOR 16 DAYS.
IN MY TINY APARTMENT.
I crashed most nights at Sam’s place (thank Christ he was out of town!) just to keep my sanity, but spent the majority of the daylight hours with these folks. And I can tell you that there was one food cleanup moment that made “Auntie Mae” lose her shit on those children. It was one of their last evenings in Portland and we were at Sam’s for dinner. Kelly’s kids were perched on the couch watching Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons (yes, TV is the best thing for child hypnosis/silencing), and Kelly and I were sipping Pinot Noir at the kitchen island behind the couch/TV area. Most of the previous hour had been spent trying to have a complete conversation with Kelly. This is no small feat, as her children interrupt her literally every 3 seconds and start whining and then screaming if they don’t get her full undivided attention. This is something Kelly has been working on with them, but even she was losing her patience at this point. ( I was fantasizing about spanking them and sending them into an extended timeout. Shit, my Dad hit us with a belt and we turned out fine…twitch, twitch.)
Suddenly I notice that there are bits of….something… dropping down on us from above. Is the ceiling falling down? WTF is happening here? And eventually I realize that Kelly’s 4 year old beastie is taking small handfuls of her dinner, which was pasta and red sauce, sculpting it into balls and throwing it backwards over her shoulder at us. Did I mention red sauce? Did I mention that we were in Sam’s beautiful condo with his new gorgeous, modern, light gray furniture? Did I mention that while I enjoy children, I am almost never around them and have a very short fuse, apparently?
If memory serves, I let loose with, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Aislinn?” But that was only in my head. In real life I didn’t swear, but I did yell and she cried. I had zero sympathy left at that point. I also made her help clean it up–with paper towels that Sam only has because his cats puke everywhere.
Moral of this story:
I learned that it’s a bad idea to answer my phone out of a dead sleep while working 17 hour days on a production, because if I do, I run the risk of mistakenly saying yes when a friend with 2 small children asks if they can come stay with me…FOR 16 FUCKING DAYS.
And if those kids had done the bit with the straw and the chocolate milk I would have thrown shit. At them.
and that folks, is the reality of the situation.
And yes, one only needs to purchase paper towels if you have children or puking cats. Any other lifestyle, a napkin/cloth will suffice.
Me: Stop blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk, for the love of god.
Kids: Ha, ha, bleurbleurbleurb (chocolate milk spills everywhere).
Me: Stop. Right. Now.
Kids: Snort, snigger, bleurbleurbeurb (ever more chocolate milk spurts everywhere).
Me: I am now going to pour the rest of your drinks on your stupid heads like an ALS ice bucket challenge. Then I’m going to go downstairs and drink a bottle of vodka.
hahahahahahah!
Ha. In Australia Bounty is a delicious chocolate-coated chocolate bar, so I was confused, but them I realised about the paper towel thing and got my mummy on.
Hooollleeeey Shhhiiiiiitttt. Benjamin manages to cover his hands in pasta and red sauce, and then, thanks to balance issues and general distraction, wipe it all over most surfaces, including the underside of the benches. And his face. Always.
Jack manages to contain it to the face and occasional floor explosions.
I lose my shit most mornings, but paper towel is my sanity. Jack gets given the spray bottle of white vinegar, a roll of paper, and wiping duties, while I reach for the room,,sweeping enough food to nourish a small African village from our floor every day.
There is no smiling involved, unless it was a vodka-infused Bounty (of the Australian kind).
Miss you Erin. Come visit!
That should be “chocolate coated coconut bar”. I confused myself with mega chocolate consumption by way of Tim Tams this evening. I hope you understand.
I was thinking it was a mega chocolate bar, super chocolate coated chocolate….
😉
And yes, I can’t say I never use paper towels. But as you say, there is no smiling involved.
xo